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Why Being Angry At Our Children's Bad Behavior Does Not Work
You will find it interesting that the parent who is most anxious to avoid conflict and confrontation in their lives often finds himself screaming and threatening and ultimately thrashing their children. Indeed, child abuse may be the end result.
This leads us to the most common error in disciplining children, and perhaps the most costly. We are referring to the inappropriate use of anger in attempting to control boys or girls.
There is no more ineffective method of controlling human beings (of all ages) than the use of irritation and anger. Nevertheless, most adults rely primarily on their own emotional response to secure the cooperation of children.
One teacher said on a national television program, "I like being a professional educator, but I hate the daily task of teaching. My children are so unruly that I have to stay mad at them all the time just to control the classroom."
How utterly frustrating to be required to be mean and angry as part of a routine assignment, year in and year out. Yet many teachers (and parents) know of no other way to lead children. Believe me, it is exhausting and it doesn't work!
Consider your own motivational system. Suppose you are driving your automobile home from work this evening, and you exceed the speed limit by forty miles per hour. Standing on the street corner is a lone policeman who has not been given the means to arrest you.
He has no squad car or motorcycle; he wears no badge, carries no gun, and can write no tickets. All he is commissioned to do is stand on the curb and scream insults as you speed past.
Would you slow down just because he shakes his fist in protest? Of course not! You might wave to him as you streak by. His anger would achieve little except to make him appear comical and foolish.
On the other hand, nothing influences the way Mr. Motorist drives more than occasionally seeing a black and white vehicle in hot pursuit with nineteen red lights flashing in the rear view mirror.
When his car is brought to a stop, a dignified, courteous patrolman approaches the driver's window. He is six foot nine, has a voice like the Lone Ranger, and carries a sawed-off shotgun on each hip. "Sir," he says firmly but politely, "our radar unit indicates you were traveling sixty-five miles per hour in a twenty-five-mile zone. May I see your driver's license, please?"
He opens his leather bound book of citations and leans toward you. He has revealed no hostility and offers no criticisms, yet you immediately go to pieces. You fumble nervously to locate the small document in your wallet. Why are your hands moist and your mouth dry? Why is your heart thumping in your throat?
Because the course of action that Mr. Law is about to take is notoriously unpleasant. Alas, it is his action which dramatically affects your future driving habits.
Disciplinary action influences behavior; anger does not. As a matter of fact, adult anger produces a destructive kind of disrespect in the minds of our children.
They perceive that our frustration is caused by our inability to control the situation. We represent justice to them, yet we're on the verge of tears as we flail the air with our hands and shout empty threats and warnings.
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